Wow, I can't believe Pavan is 7 months old already! He's growing into such a big boy! He just lights up my life so much. His smile when he looks at me makes me melt. My absolute favorite band is Lifehouse, When I was pregnant with Pavan, I would listen to their song, "Between the Raindrops", over and over while rubbing my growing baby belly.
Look around There's no one but you and me Right here and now The way it was meant to be There's a smile on my face Knowing that together everything that's in our way Were better then all right
90% of the time, its just me and Pavan. God planned this for our life for whatever reason. Not sure why right now, but I have full trust in Him. You know, I am truly and genuinely happy. I can look at Pavan and smile and he smiles back at me. So yes, Pavan and I are better than alright.
Walking between the raindrops Riding the aftershock beside you Off into the sunset Living like there's nothing left to lose Chasing after gold mines Crossing the fine lines we knew Hold on and take a breath I'll be here every step walking between the raindrops with you
Sometimes when it rains, it really pours, doesn't it? It seems that Pavan and I are always dealing with something because of his father.He threatened to hold me in contempt AGAIN last night! All because I asked to change times for his visit so I could go to a church function for my little brother. He is still doing everything in his power to control my and Pavan's life. He is using Pavan to control me. Yes, in my opinion, that is abuse. The other times he threaned to hold me in contempt was when Pavan was sick with a high fever and I refused to take him out of the house (I also have a doctors note saying that its not in Pavan's best interest to take him out with a fever.) And the other time was when I had a 103.8 fever and was extremely sick with Mastitis. Yup, I have this all documented. All these moments, and then some, are our "raindrops". And together, we deal with their outcomes. Pavan is my strength to keep me going. We live day to day happy, and we don't worry about tomorrow. I have decided that I am going back to college. With the help of a few friends, its becoming reality. I will be financially set to support Pavan and have a good life. Life for us is a struggle but its worth every second.
Take me now The worlds such a crazy place When the walls come down You'll know I'm here to stay There's nothing I would change Now were back together Everything that's in our way Were better then all right
The world being a crazy place is such an understatement. Unfair? Unjust? Cruel? That's more like it. No matter what I "build" and hsve taken away, Pavan is my constant. That will never change. Sometimes I cry because of how cruel life can be, I wouldn't change it. My life IS good, reguardless of our raindrops. God is also so good to us. He keeps us safe, and gives us things right when we need them most. Again, Pavan and I are better than alright.
Walking between the raindrops Riding the aftershock beside you Off into the sunset Living like there's nothing left to lose Chasing after gold mines Crossing the fine lines we knew Hold on and take a breath I'll be here every step walking between the raindrops with you
There's a smile on my face Knowing that together everything that's in our way Were better then all right
Thank you Jason Wade for writing such an amazing and beautiful song. Someday I will take Pavan to a Lifehouse concert and he will hear that song and know how much his momma loves him.
Gotta get off of here and do some stuff. Need to type up a project for my little sister for school. Then going to make a daily checklist. I need to spend atleast an hour, if not 2, on my BeachBody. An hour on Pinterest (hey, a girl's gotta get crafty ideas for the holidays coming up!). And so on and so forth! Enjoy the day, hopefully it's not too humid out like it has been! Say a prayer, visitation today!
To the best mom and Gamma ever. Happy Birthday! You are the best ever! Pavan and I love you so much! Thank you for being our biggest support, our best friend. Thank you for just being you. Hope you have a wonderful birthday!
Being a mom means the world to me. Nothing else in my life compares to motherhood. I really can't picture my life without Pavan. I cherish every moment with him, when he laughs, when he smiles and even when he cries.
I have to share this with everyone.
My mom had a yard sale this past weekend. As she was emptying out the totes, I was showing Pavan some of the toys she had in them. He turned away from Buzz Lightyear. Pizza Elmo didn't catch his attention. I found a crocheted blue snake. I showed him it, and he grabbed it! He was laughing at it and he has had it in his hand since then! He holds it in his car seat and he now falls asleep with it in his hands. Can I just say its the cutest thing ever?
I love this kid so much. He wants a homemade snake over a $50 Buzz Lightyear. Yep. That's my kid!
He has his snake in his hand as I type this. My boy is just too precious. What should we name it? Every pet has to have a name!
Off to take get Pavan asleep for his nap, maybe I will take one too. I'm tired!
I feel like such a slacker! It has been so long since I posted and so much to fill you all in on! Both good and bad. Smiles and tears.
So I did find out that his father was never admitted into the hospital. His grandmother has cancer and isn't doing to well. So me being the nice person that I am, went above and beyond to compromise with Pavan's father for Pavan's sake. I would prefer not to get into all the nitty gritty details, but just know that I'm am doing what I feel is right for Pavan. (Not for me, not for his father, but for Pavan only) I do not want him growing up and wondering why Mom? I want him to grow up and know that I did everything for him with him in mind. That, unlike his father, I never did anything out of spite. As I have said in previous posts, I am still extremely unhappy with how he is returned from visits. Marks, scratches. It very much makes my heart sad for my son. Or the "do you have diaper rash cream?" "No, I don't have any and no I'm not getting any." I'm shaking my head as I am writing this, and I can hear his voice as he said that to me. No matter how much you dislike me, Pavan is an innocent child and doesn't deserve anyone's spitefulness. (Just an FYI- I gave him my tube of diaper rash cream, but he didn't use it anyway. I smelled the diaper to be sure, yes, gross, but I needed to know.)
Last week, I get a text message from my best friend and roommate, C. C told me that his parents want to take me and Pavan on vacation with them and that they will pay for everything. So I replied and asked where? C said, "A Disney Cruise." Whaaaaaatttttttt? Really? I broke down in tears. I could never afford that. This could very well be a once in a lifetime trip for not only me, but Pavan too. I immediately accepted. C and I had dinner with his parents and I explained to them my situation with Pavan's father. I wrote down all the days Pavan would miss visits with his father, and I wrote down about 8 different days that he could choose from to make up the time we would be away. When I saw Pavan's father, I gave him the itinerary, the list of days. I just needed a letter written in front of a notary from him. He kept telling me, "I'll think about it." Well, I will say the rest when it happens... This part is "to be continued."
Pavan met a couple of my former students. We went out for dinner in one of the casinos. Pavan's eyes lit up as we walked around, he loved all the lights, colors and sounds. Especially the big fountain in the center. He was such a little flirt with my students! I remember when they were in my class and I told them I was pregnant. Seems like forever ago, but at the same time, it feels like yesterday. Ladies, if you are reading this, I can't wait to have dinner with you again! (Next time we go to a casino, lets not do it on a night where something is going on in AC! I paid $20 for parking! Yikes!)
Since I last wrote, Pavan also went on his first carousel ride with his buddy V. I think V's mommy and I had more fun on it that the boys did! The 4 of us walked through the zoo and enjoyed each others company. Pavan and I also got professional pictures taken. We went to the beach and had such a great time. My friend and her hubby did such an amazing job with our pictures! I want to blow some up and hang them up!
Pavan is currently taking apart my wallet, oops! That's my cue to go!
I need to push my personal feelings towards my ex's family aside and think to myself, "What Would Jesus Do?".
Pavan's father texted me and told me that he will be unable to make visitation because his father went to the hospital. In my opinion, his father must be pretty bad off, or my ex is lying and has something better to do tonight, because the last few times his father was in and admitted to the hospital he didn't even go visit him. I'm going to try and believe that he is telling me the truth. The kind part of me asked my ex what happened and he never answered me, which makes me wonder honestly. But I'm going to try and live beautifully and do what God and my heart tell me to do.
So I am asking you all to pray for my ex's father (Pavan's paternal grandfather) and pray for whatever is wrong. And also pray for my ex. For his heart to see the Truth in God.
Again, as much as his family has hurt me, including my ex's father, I'm walking in faith and with the Lord.
Well, thanks to two other coaches who have been such an inspiration to me. You ladies both help keep me motivated!
I just know that BeachBody is going to really help me financially. I just have stop dilly-dallying around! I have a weeks worth of my "Coach Camp" to get caught up on. I was actually feeling quite overloaded with all the information I was being given. So I'm the type of person to put it off instead of putting my mind to it. Those 2 coaches gave me that boost I needed!
I have done a few other home based businesses before, make-up, candles, wraps, and now the BeachBody. Can I just say the difference is like woah! There's not cattiness, or anything between the coaches. I am really proud to be part of a company that has such a respect for it's coaches and customers. I have made friends with a couple other coaches, one even helped me make a budget! I haven't even been in this more than a month, and I have already earned enough to pay me back, in a sense, for what I paid for my start up costs! My goal in this company is to make enough money to continue to stay home with Pavan. And I really think I can do it!
Pavan has been saying "Yeah". Its so funny. He will just randomly go "yeah". I was hoping his first word would be "mom" or "momma" but I'll take yeah! He even watches The Wiggles on TV. Ok, so we don't watch The Wiggles, we dance to The Wiggles! Pavan laughs so loud when we dance! It's a shame that OnDemand only has 4 episodes, we've been watching them over and over! I even did a Wiggles station on my Pandora!
So life has still been somewhat of a struggle on the inside for me. My confidence is still in pieces from the abuse my ex inflicted on me. I look at my belly in the mirror and cringe. I still have the linea negra from pregnancy. I hate it because every time I see it I am reminded of the cruel things he used to say to me. I have been trying really hard to forget those words and think that my line is from my beautiful son and that it's a mommy tattoo. I have only wore a bikini 2x so far this summer without a coverup. And that was so hard, I forced myself to do it to overcome those mean words. Most of the summer I wore a one piece and shorts (which is so not me). I'm trying to do little things to boost my confidence back up and feel beautiful again. Despite his words in my head. See? I keep saying that. I keep going back to him and his words. CONTROL. I have to stop letting him control my thoughts. And for victims of emotional abuse its so hard. Especially when you still have to have contact with the abuser.
That's why I want to focus so much on getting in shape with the BeachBody. So I can boost my confidence and basically tell the ex in my head a big fat "screw you"! Yup. I can and will.
Time for lunch! Pavan is nursing as I type this and I feel my belly saying "feed me too!". Then to wash towels from our beach trip and visitation tonight. Praying all goes well.
Wow its a been a few days since I last wrote! Where to begin?
Pavan and I went wedding dress shopping with my sister, L. L is getting married in May on a cruise ship. She is having just a small ceremony with a few people. Then after their honeymoon, we are going to have a huge celebration with all of our family and her friends. L and I have definitely had our ups and downs, but I am so thankful that I am a part of this with her. We all had breakfast together that morning with our Pop-Pop and Nana. We laughed a lot at breakfast (mostly at Pavan being silly) and had a good time! While we were wedding dress shopping, Pavan had fun looking in all the mirrors. L said she could hear him laughing while she was trying on her dresses. We even took a selfie! We narrowed it down to 2 dresses, then she decided to try on one more. Can I just say WOW!? She looked absolutely stunning it in. I almost cried. I giggled a little because I picked out that dress, with Pavan's help of course!
After such a good day with my family, I had to take Pavan to his visit. I would really like to know what happens during theses visits. On this particular day, Pavan's father sits at a government funded agency during his visit time. What makes this situation really sad is this. The workers there have strong ties to me. "D" grew up and was best friends with my mom when they were teenagers. "A" was a client of mine when I ran my own business. (Don't think I'm not going through my business papers to PROVE it.) And the one that hurts the most is "C". C was like family to me. She was my therapist, my mom's therapist and she even did therapy for my adopted brothers and sisters. She held my mortgage. She knows EVERY THING about my family. (Which my ex tried to use against me and C even wrote me a letter to use against him in court!) I even cleaned and organized her house! I have pictures of her at family functions, birthday parties, you name it. I even confided in her while I was pregnant! My ex went to this agency out of spite to hurt me. He knows I know these ladies. I tried telling both C and D this. Neither listened to me. All 3 women are now supporting him. A government funded organization that is supposed to help and protect innocent children are being blinded by a child abuser. Its truly sad and I do feel sorry for them, in how much they are being played by him. I've been in that building, its filthy. They have no air conditioning. I am not the only one thinking and saying this. I had someone tell me that he wouldn't trust his puppy alone with these people! That says a lot doesn't it?
D has went behind my back asking a certain someone about me. First, it's none of her business. Second, stop involving people by prying for information. Thank you to the person that she asked about me to, for giving her professional answers to her questions. My ex told D that I don't feed Pavan. So she told someone else that I don't feed him and that I send my son to the visits hungry on purpose so that he would cry and be fussy with his father. ABSOLUTELY NOT. I feed him before every visit to make sure he is full. I even talked to his pediatrician, I do not need to send any food with him, nor a bottle, and his father does not need to feed him. (If he really cares, which I doubt, he should know that there are other ways to bond!). Don't you learn in college that babies cry for more than one reason? Doesn't being a mom yourself mean that you know that babies cry for various reasons? It sad that my son cries with his father (I believe Pavan knows), and they automatically accuse me. I know the truth. So does God. As well as everyone in my life. The truth will be brought to light, and these ladies will see. My voice will be (and is being) heard.
That is just the tip of the iceburg with that agency.
Thank you for listening, er, well, reading my rant.
Pavan is one lucky little boy! He went swimming twice this weekend! The first time was with my friends and their kids. And yesterday we went to an adoption party. He is such the little flirt at 6 months! He had all the little girls swooning over him! It was so adorable! It won't be so adorable when he hits 16! Ok, ok, stop thinking about him being a teenager!
I have been thinking and starting to plan his first birthday already! I know for sure that we are going to do a smash cake! (I watched Cake Boss the other day and I am going to make his smash cake!) Oh, I can't wait! Actually, yes, I can!
Lets see, what else did we do this week? We are planning a birthday bash at my house for next weekend. Planning Philadelphia Zoo trip, a trip to CMCH Zoo, Storybook Land and the boardwalk! Now, that, I am really excited about and can't wait to do! Last time I took Pavan to the zoo he loved it! He made all sorts of sounds and coos.
I considered taking Pavan to the circus. Many people have asked me if I was. (If you know me, you would laugh and have asked me too!) I decided against it because of all the dust and dirt. Next year for sure we will be going. **No commenting about circuses and animal abuse. I know first hand that these animals are loved and taken care of.**
Today is a new day. I'm going to make it beautiful.
Now to start my day. I have got a lot on my agenda today. Laundry (which I hate!), some cleaning, and to catch up with my BeachBody coaching. I need one more coach to sign up! And I need to do my workout today. I really need someone to push me and keep me accountable!
Never underestimate the strength and love a good mother has for her children.
So I made myself a cup of tea this morning and on the paper part that's attached to the string it said "Be Heard". It got me thinking. My voice matters and my voice counts. I have been pushed aside and not listen to more times than I have fingers or toes. I will one way or another be heard. And something will be done. God makes miracles happen. He is good and just. He sees the truth.
So its definitely been an interesting 2 days to say the least.. Last night, I had a random person friend request me.. I think I am being catfished. I don't know who it is but oh well. Not dwelling on it. Then my picture that I posted of me nursing Pavan was reported for nudity! Like, really? Go to the beach and you will see more than what I showed in my picture. I was wracking my brain trying to figure out who on my friends list would report it. I still don't know. Again, oh well. Both people will have to live with themselves and the choices they have made. I don't have the time or energy to waste on such petty stuff anymore.
Pavan had another two hour visit again today. My poor kid. I hate these days because I don't know where he's going with his father and I can't protect my son while he is with him. And I never know how he is going to look or act when he is handed back to me. I tried asking my ex things about Pavan and all I go were short nasty answers. Too bad the judge and some others can't see him acting like that. I had my other sister with me and she saw and heard everything too. I had to ask him twice if Pavan cried because the first time I asked he ignored me. I know my son like the back of my hand. And let's just say that once again, I am not pleased with how my son was given back to me. I had to give him a bath and change his clothes as soon as I got home. It makes my heart sad.
At home with Pavan makes my heart happy and full of joy. We played with the new rattle I bought him and my sister read him the new books we got today. We bought a big hard pages book about Noah and his Ark and a small cardboard book called "Babies Wear Plaid". It has to be one of the cutest books ever. I love reading to Pavan. We have even read parts of "The NeverEnding Story" together. I want him to grow up reading and loving to read just as I did growing up and even now. Reading helps the imagination grow. I want that for Pavan. I want him to have a vivid and colorful imagination.
I did my very first Focus t25 workout from BeachBody today! Oh man was I feeling it! I did the first Alpha Cardio workout. I felt amazing afterwards! I did it. I pushed myself. It wasn't easy, and I had to do the modified workout, but I did it! (I only had to pause it once because Pavan dropped his toy and started crying!) I am actually looking forward to tomorrow's workout. I took my "before" pictures today. I am excited to watch my transformation! I am determined to feel as good physically as I do mentally! I had a vanilla shakeology today. I mixed it with some milk and coffee and a little bit of ice! It was so good! I think vanilla is my flavor! At first it was hard for me to not eat and to replace one meal with the shake, but I was able to finish the whole shake and not want to actually eat something today. Can I just say that I feel physically amazing right now? If I feel this good after one day, I'm gonna feel even better in the days to come! I'm still waiting for someone to do it with me! Is that something that interests you? Do you want too look and feel amazing too? You can, just as I am!
Its after midnight and I am pretty worn out from today. Tomorrow Pavan and I are going to the first cheerleading practice with me as the coach! I'm super nervous!
August 1st-August 7th is World Breastfeeding week. Celebrate nursing! I am!
I copied and pasted this from FB, "Breastfeeding Mama Talk". I couldn't have said this better myself.
"This a gentle reminder that breastfeeding doesn't always look like a nursing mother and child. It can involve supplemental nursing systems, syringes, feeding tubes, and bottles. This is for you, exclusive pumpers, combo feeders, and anyone who gives their child milk in a way that's often overlooked. Join us in celebrating your breastfeeding journey, even if it may not seem like one from where you are. Tell your story proudly. You're doing a great job, mama."
To all you mommas, celebrate this week. Its for us!
Tell me your story! Feel free to comment below!
Don't be shy about breastfeeding! Be proud! I'm not posting pictures of my nipples or nude photos. This is a picture of me nursing Pavan. I am super proud! Almost 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding!
My name is Sherrie and I am a 30 year old single momma of a handsome little boy named Pavan. I am determined to stay fit, stay healthy, and stay beautiful, both on the inside and out. You can follow my journey here, and I hope to be an inspiration to others! Please feel free to comment!